我刚出生的时候，我爸一看是个女儿就阴着个脸，我妈后来有时候看电视广告看见一个男孩就说其实她检查的时候医生说是男孩，然后对我说你要是个男孩就好了。
上小学的时候，有一天放学我莫名其妙被同班一个男同学拽着书包带子用力扯，扯到我跌倒，在地上滚了一下。书包带子也断了。他后来站在我面前说话，我记不清说了什么，但我一直记得那种被旁观的羞辱、羞耻和羞窘。现在我快30岁了，仍然不知道我那天被扯掉小小尊严滚在地上是为什么？总得有个原因吧。其实我中学考试的时候，有次意外碰到了他，他像老同学一样跟我叙旧，我很想问小学那次到底是为什么？但又觉得恐怕只有我自己记得断掉的书包带，可我耿耿于怀的并不只是书包带。
上中学的时候，被我的同一个补习班的男同学偷拍上厕所发到porn上，这件事我到很后面才知道，我最初只知道他在他们那层楼的女厕偷拍被抓现行，我不知道他也拍了我。到后来，我逼迫自己回忆他跟我说过的每一句话、每一个表情，我才意识到他也没有放过我。
我以为上大学会面对一个文明的新世界，结果美学第一堂课，男教授就说女生学不好哲学当然也学不好美学。讽刺的是，这位男教授的祖父是著名美学学者，他本人学术水平则是系内垫底的。
这还不包括我遇到的露阴癖和老头猥亵犯，而我只是一个中国四线城市的普通女生，普通地生长，普通地读小学中学大学，普通地发现原来我每个成长阶段都有男人的烂事参与，以致污染了我所有记忆。
——阿蕾
When I was born, my father saw that I was a daughter and then looked gloomy. Later, my mom would sometimes see a boy in TV commercials and say: actually, when I did the examination the doctor said you were a boy. Then she would turn to me saying, “It would be nice if you were a boy”.
When I was in elementary school, one day after school I was inexplicably pulled by a male classmate in the same class by the strap of my school bag and pulled hard, to the point that I fell and rolled on the ground. The bag strap also broke. He later stood in front of me and spoke. I can't remember what he said, but I always remember the humiliation, shame and embarrassment of being on the sidelines. Now that I'm almost 30, I still don't know why I was ripped off my tiny dignity and rolled to the ground that day. There has to be a reason, right? In fact, when I took my middle school exams, I accidentally ran into him once, and he caught up with me like an old school friend, and I wanted to ask why that time in elementary school. But I'm afraid I'm the only one who remembers the broken bag strap, but it's not just the bag strap I'm holding on to.
When I was in middle school, I was secretly filmed going to the bathroom by my male classmate in the same tutorial class and posted on porn, which I didn't know until much later, I initially only knew that he was caught taking pictures in the women's room on their floor, I didn't know he had filmed me too. Later, I forced myself to recall every word and expression he had said to me, and I realized he hadn't let me off the hook either.
I thought I would face a civilized new world in college, but it turned out that in the first class of aesthetics, the male professor said that girls can't learn philosophy well and certainly can't learn aesthetics well. Ironically, the male professor's grandfather was a famous aesthetics scholar, and he himself was at the bottom of the department in terms of academic standards.
This doesn't include the exhibitionists and old man molesters I met, but I was just an ordinary girl in a fourth-tier city in China, growing up in an ordinary way, going to elementary school, secondary school and university, and finding out that I had men's shit involved in every stage of my growth, which contaminated all my memories.
——A Lei
